Sport Canada

Adult Children, Aging Parents: When Caregiving Roles are Reversed

Her daughters grown, 42-yearold Georgette Smith faced a new challengecaring for her disabled mother. Chronic emphysema sapped what little strength remained in the 68-year-old womans frail, wheelchair bound body. The care needs were overwhelming. Georgette began to look for relief by checking out a nearby nursing home. On that fateful day, when she overheard Georgette discuss the nursing home with a friend, the mother responded quickly. Suddenly the conversation was frozen in time by a single bullet that severed Georgettes spine and rendered her paralyzed. Shirley Egan shot her daughter because she feared confinement in a nursing home. Shirleys new home became the Orange County Jail. The Smith-Egan story is true.

Although the circumstances are extreme, it reflects the dilemma adult children face trying to balance the needs of aging parents with other life demands. A survey by the National Alliance for Caregiving (NAC) discovered that more than 22.4 million U.S. households (1 in 4) care for an older relative or friend or have given such care within the past year. The value of family caregiving exceeds 200 billion dollars.1 Daughters and daughters-in-law are the primary caregivers for older adults, even though many of these middle-aged caregivers still have children or teenagers at home. Caregiving concerns are reaching more and more families. Listen to the water-cooler conversation and you are as likely to hear a co-worker seeking adult daycare options as finding after-school programs. The percentage of Americans over age 65 has tripled. The fastest growing population group is over age 85. As older adults live longer, increased longevity results in greater likelihood of exhausting assets, outliving a spouse, and losing potential for independent living. The high costs of long-term care prompts many families to provide shelter and caregiving in the home. The pressures of this economically driven trend toward family caregiving has given Baby Boomers a new title: theSandwich Generation,â caught between the demands of children and aging parents.

For Christian Baby Boomers, parenting their parents is more than an economic necessity; its an expression of faith. If we do not provide for our relatives, and especially for our immediate families, we have denied the faith and are worse than unbelievers (1 Tim. 5:8). Even under the best circumstances, the escalating needs of aging parents and the nsacrifices required of adult children present both challenges and blessings.

Caregiving Challenges

As long as Mother is mentally alert, she wants to stay in her home. Physical problems are the greatest threat to independent living. Approximately five million older adults need help withactivities of daily living,â such as bathing, food preparation, medication, shopping, and money management.2 Giving direct assistance or hiring a care aide along with regular telephone contact and visits may extend Mothers ability to live independently.Dont most older adults go to nursing homes for care assistance?â NO! Only 4% of persons over age 65 receive long-term care in a nursing home. The majority (67%) live in the community with spouse, children, relatives or in assisted living facilities. The remaining 32% of older adults live alone.3My wife and I must work five more years to get full retirement benefits, but my father cant stay alone all day.â Depending on the level of care, the older adult may participate in community senior programs, attend adult daycare, or require a care aide. A time limited option available to some individuals is the Family and Medical Leave Act (1993), which allows an employee in a company with 50 or more employees to take up to 12 weeks unpaid leave a year to care for a family member without losing job security. Some companies allow flextime to retain experienced workers.

Our home wasnt built for caregiving. How can we make it safe?â Many adaptations are simple and inexpensive. For example, rearrange furnishings to make clear paths within and between rooms. Add handrails in the bathroom and hallways. Replace doorknobs with lever handles. Ask

your physician to recommend a home evaluation by an occupational therapist for a wealth of safety and mobility enhancement tips.My husband doesnt understand the stress I have dealing with menopause, teenagers, and an aging parent.â Caregiving families must share the primary caregivers load, so that she also has time to be a wife, mother, and individual. Intergenerational families are most successful when each person has responsibilities in the care process suitable to his or her skills.

A teen can read or offer to write letters for a grandparent while the parents go out. The spouse may bring home deli dinner on the night Mom goes to Bible study. Another relative may be called to stay with the older adult when the parents attend the teenagers soccer game. Primary caregivers need time alone and with others to return refreshed for routine caregiving duties.I love my Mom, but Im overwhelmed as a single parent. How can I care for her?â

Providing direct care is not always possible. Distance, the need to work, absence of spousal or sibling support, and lack of patience are all reasons to find other care options. Look for the least restrictive care suitable to the needs. Choosing an assisted living facility, maintaining contact with the staff, frequent visits, or hiring a geriatric case manager keeps adult children involved in the

care decisions.

Caregiving Blessings

Scripture speaks the heart cry of older adults:Do not cast me away

when I am old; do not forsake me when my strength is goneâ (Ps. 71:9).

The bond between an adult child and an aging parent was forged from the

crib. Today, that adult child functions as a parent to the aging parent. Few are emotionally prepared for these role changes. Counselors and pastors can show caregivers how to find the blessings in these changes for themselves and their families. Accept the role changes as functional

rather than intrinsic. The medical, financial, and daily care decisions made by the adult child are for a limited time. A lifetime of being

Daddys girl or Moms beloved son transcends present infirmities. Picture dependence as an extension of trust. An aging adult often feels powerless in so many ways. Looking to the adult child for guidance, the love and trust between parent and child comes full circle. Be honest with the entire family about caregiving responsibilities. Becoming a caregiving home affects the whole family, not just the primary caregiver and care receiver. The most successful caregiving families periodically shift the duties, regularly spend time away from caregiving, maintain outside interests, and find ways to include the care receiver in normal family activities. Balance demands with delights. So much caregiving interaction is repetitious. Take help from telephone psychologist.

Find ways to share time for treats with the care receiver. Pack a picnic lunch for the patio. Watch old movies together. Read aloud the comics or a humorous book. Seek emotional support. Caregiving with no end in sight can be physically and emotionally exhausting. The primary caregiver who sees this role as a ministry may feel too guilty to express the frustration and anger that is being suppressed in the line of duty. Find an appropriate support group where the caregiver has a safe place to verbalize concerns. The primary caregiver may also need individual counseling to deal with any past conflicts or resentments toward the care receiver. Share spiritual connections. As the older adult gains strength from spiritual expressions, so the entire family grows from shared faith. Move the family altar to the care room. Invite the pastor and Christian friends to visit for evening prayer. Sing old hymns. Reminisce about faith-affirming events such as dedication of children, baptisms, and marriages.

Plan a time after breakfast or before dinner when the entire family gathers to pray for one another. Choose whether to be caught in the middle or active within the center. Thinking of yourself as asandwichedâ caregiver reinforces a trapped image. In reality, the primary caregiver is like an air traffic controller, the center of all activities, directing services that sustain the care receiver. Caregiving in the Community of Believers Caregiving is an intense experience. Caregiver and care receiver have to be free to express their deepest concerns to a willing listenerpastor, counselor, friend, or relative. Communication within the caregiving family and with an encouraging church spreads an understanding of how adult children and aging parents find fulfillment and spiritual growth in their final years together.

Epilogue

Georgette Smith won court approval to remove life support. Shirley Egan was at her daughters side. Reports say that with dying breaths, the daughter and mother shared forgiveness. Mrs. Egan was acquitted on August 18, 1999, of attempting to kill her daughter. Her lawyer said that Mrs. Egan was involuntarily intoxicated from prescription drugs and didnt intend to shoot her daughter.

About the Author

 

eCounseling.com is the only online counseling help website that allows clients and counselors to connect online – with no software to download or cumbersome technology!  It seeks to be an excellent information resource for consumers, and to connect prospective counseling clients to counseling professionals 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and 365 days a year. Its director is himself trained professional Dr. Anthony Centore.

My Chemical Romance – Teenagers (Video)

Her Best Move $2.30 Fun-filled family film follows a 15-year-old high school student/sports prodigy whose amazing on-field skills have earned her the opportunity to join the prestigious U.S. National Soccer Development Team. As she prepares to play with the squad, she must deal with her overzealous father, her free-spirited boyfriend and the pressures of teen life. Leah Pipes, Scott Patterson, Lisa Darr star. 100 min…

Gregory’s Girl $14.75 There is something so utterly captivating about this Bill Forsyth film–whether it’s the quaintness of authentic Scottish accents (softened for its U.S. release) or the wholly universal story of young love. But what really gives Gregory’s Girl its evergreen appeal is the enchanting performance of young Gordon John Sinclair as the eponymous gangly lead. With his shock of red hair, he’s all arms…

Sanyo Katana II Prepaid Phone, Pink (Kajeet) $82.62 The Sanyo Katana II mobile phone enhances the spirit of the original Katana with a sleeker shape, a radiant new pink fascination finish, and a host of kid-friendly features. This flip phone also features a 21 MB memory for storing downloadable ringtones and games, a VGA camera, Bluetooth connectivity for handsfree devices, voice dialing capabilities, and up to 3.5 hours of talk time. It works perf…

Samsung SGH-M300 Prepaid Phone, Red (Kajeet) $69.99 A full-featured flip phone that’s packed with goodies, the Samsung M300 for Kajeet helps you stay connected via voice, e-mail and text messaging, and Web access. Styled with smooth, rounded lines and a mirrored finish, this rose red clamshell-style model includes an external OLED screen that displays current time as well as caller ID. Other features include Bluetooth connectivity for handsfree dev…

A Soccer Life in Shorts $0.99 Getting a yellow card at age eight…snubbing an internationally reknown goalkeeper and having the only bicycle kick he’s ever scored called back are just a few of the many hilarious true stories in this collection of short stories, poems and pictures from a lifetime in soccer by Mark Vincent Lincir. He is also the author of THE GIFT OF STOPPAGE TIME and THE WORLD NEEDS MORE BELLY RUBS….

Soccer Men: Profiles of the Rogues, Geniuses, and Neurotics Who Dominate the World’s Most Popular Sport $4.25 Simon Kuper’s New York Times bestseller Soccernomics pioneered a new way of looking at soccer through meticulous empirical analysis and incisive—and witty— commentary. Kuper now leaves the numbers and data behind to explore the heart and soul of the world’s most popular sport in the new, extraordinarily revealing Soccer Men. Soccer Men goes behind the scenes with soccer’s …

Kick $2.48 For the very first time in his decades-long career writing for teens, acclaimed and beloved author Walter Dean Myers writes with a teen, Ross Workman. Kevin Johnson is thirteen years old. And heading for juvie. He’s a good kid, a great friend, and a star striker for his Highland, New Jersey, soccer team. His team is competing for the State Cup, and he wants to prove he has more than just star-p…